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Actors and Rambling in General
Sunday, April 26th, 2009 | Author: ~B~

So, I’ve got about 3 separate blogs I need to write and post within the next day or so :) Here’s the first.

I came across an ad last week looking for writers/fashionistas to do an advice columnist competition. I believe they were specifically looking for “the Next Carrie Bradshaw”. OK, I have to admit, I’ve never seen a single episode of “Sex and the City”.  Yes, I’m a traitor to my gender.

*pauses and waits for female readers to start slinging Manolos at me*

In any case, I figured I’d send in a quick letter anyway with my story, and see what happened. I mean, I’m less of a writer than a blogger, but I do love writing, and I love fashion, especially vintage and retro clothing. I bet I could out-cute SJP and her super-overpaid stylist any day, haha. In any case, it was a shot in the dark and I was quite certain I’d never hear back from them.

…a certain chika was called in for a screen test this week. Guess who? (hint: me!!!!!)

Of course, I found out over the phone just who these people were.  What I thought might be a dinky little unknown show, that might present me with some small oppportunity… turned out to be by Fremantle Media.  The American Idol/America’s Got Talent/Etc. guys.  the guys with all the clout.  With millions of viewers.  And the prize?  An internship at Elle magazine, being mentored by a very funny, slightly crazy, super-awesome columnist whom I’ve read for years.

Holy shite.

I went into the Fremantle Media offices and there were a lot of random actors sitting in the lobby, waiting to try out for a different project (a TV sitcom or something).  I was wearing the most adorable, brightest vintage ’50s dress I could dig up and I got a lot of funny looks.  A tall, rail-skinny chick stood in the corner, gesticulating and mouthing lines.  I was the only one there for the advice columnist show, so I started filling out my application and waiting for the casting director to show up.

This scary actor lady came into the lobby and sat next to me.  She was a bit older, in her forties or fifties.  She was like Carol Brady on crack. It looked like her plastic surgeon had had a field day with her – her eyes were open too wide and her smile was frozen in place.  She talked WAY too loud.  In the quiet lobby, her voice reverberated and echoed and people started staring at her.

“OH AREN’T YOU ADORABLE!!!!! WHAT A PRETTY DRESS!!!!!  EVERYONE LIKES TO GO OVER THEIR LINES WHILE THEY’RE WAITING, BUT I’VE FOUND THAT IT’S BETTER TO JUST STAY MYSELF AND INTERACT WITH THE OTHER ACTORS!”

I mumbled that I wasn’t an actor, hoping she’d go away, or at least take the hint and talk at the room level, which was at about a whisper.  After interrogating me about what I was there trying out for, and making sure the entire room knew that I was a) a “reality girl” and b) not an actor, never acted in anything besides a high school play…  she grabbed my half-completed application and started reading the questions aloud.

“LET’S SEE… ‘WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?’”

She looked at me expectantly, and I realized she actually wanted my answer.  I drily informed her that I was crying on the inside, right now.  In a way, it was more true than she could have realized, but she laughed and took it as a joke.

“OK, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE: ‘WHAT ARE 3 THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU NEVER REVEAL TO SOMEONE YOU’VE JUST MET?!’”

Ehrm… right, like I’m going to tell you, lady?  You’re already announcing my life story to the entire room.

“‘NAME A TIME WHEN YOU GAVE BAD ADVICE?!’”

At this point, I was thoroughly psyched out and ready to either break down into tears or else kill this woman with a smile on my face.  Luckily, I was saved by Peter, the casting director, who came out and called me back.

“OH MY GOD, I LOVE HER!!!  SHE IS JUST SO CUTE!!!!!  SHE JUST TOLD ME SHE’S CRYING ON THE INSIDE RIGHT NOW!” she informed him as I walked through the door.

I could have died.

Of course, I totally bombed it.  I mean, how could I not, I was in such a state of panic and psyched-out-ed-ness, and overwhelmed, and tremendously nervous just realizing the magnitude of even getting called in to test with such a company.  Peter was very nice, sat me down in a chair, turned on a camera and a spotlight (!) – which was a tad intimidating and “tell me where you were on the eve of March 6″.  He asked me a few questions, which I was totally struggling to answer and my mind kept blanking because I was completely freaked out.  He was very sweet about trying to gently guide me into showing a tad more personality, but I think I just sort of shut down.  Later on I thought about all the better answers I could have given, or ways I could have let my personality out more, but in the moment I was just completely stone-petrified.  Poor dude.  He was probably regretting wasting his time calling the homeless chick in, haha.

In any case, after it was over he told me if I heard anything from them in 2 weeks to 2 months, that would be good news, it all depends on the executives, etc. etc.  He told me that I did well (I think he has to say that, haha) and that he tends to look for interesting people over “models”, but that I am beautiful, and other very nice stuff.  Yay for nice casting directors.  Even if I bombed, I can still feel good about it now.  Thank God I wasn’t in a room with a nasty Simon Cowell wannabe or anything.  I think I would have completely crumbled.

I went into the lobby and pushed the “down” button to call the elevator.  Insane Carol Brady Doppelganger cornered me.  “DID YOU JUST GET DONE?!  I JUST GOT DONE!  I’LL TAKE THE ELEVATOR DOWN WITH YOU… YOU DIDN’T WEAR YOUR GLASSES FOR THE SCREEN TEST, DID YOU?  YOU TOOK THEM OFF, RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!”

*sadness*

(…I like my glasses.  They’re a part of me.)

* * * * *

In a clumsily-executed and only quasi-related transition:  Here’s the thing about a lot of actors, I think.  I’ve dated two of them, and it’s like they don’t know when to stop acting.  They’re so self-absorbed and wrapped up in their own head before they can care about anybody else, if they even can at all beyond that peripheral, crucial stage-like interaction.  If they’re interacting with you at all, it’s as if they’re visualizing the encounter on a stage, like trading dialogue.  They say what they feel would be the right thing to say, or would cause the most interesting conflict, rather than what’s real, because even they don’t know what part of them is real and what part is acting.  The vast majority of actors I’ve known are addicted to drama.  My last ex would deny this vehemently.  He always told me he was different, he prided himself on being able to separate his “craft” and his personal life.  And I have to say this about him, up front, he is a brilliant actor.  Fascinating to watch, and a Juilliard finalist.  For all I know, he’s packing his bags right now because he made it in to his dream school.

But again, the thing about actors – it’s so much harder to tell what’s real.  My ex did a fantastic job for two whole months of making me feel happy and secure, like we were having absolutely no problems… meanwhile, he was messing around on me with some floozy slut bitch man-stealing whore of a tart in one of his shows (lest you think I’m being too hard on her and too easy on him, don’t. I’m pretty sure I threw his Christmas present at his head when I found out.  True, it was a pair of tickets in a letter-sized envelope, but still.  Believe me, I know what a lousy, dickwad thing that was for him to do to me).  I can already tell you, if he found this blog and read it, the first thought to go through his head would not be concern at my circumstances.  If anything, it would irk him slightly that more media outlets – TV shows, radio networks, etc. – have expressed an interest in me in two months than ever have in him, so far.  He always seemed to like that romantic, “starving artist” conceptualization of himself.  Doing what he loved, screw practical concerns like food and housing and money.  Of course, it’s really easy to think that way when you still live with your mother (who was actually a truly kind and supportive woman), don’t pay a dime in rent, have a home-cooked meal ready for you every night, and have never been homeless in your life.

Maybe that sounds a little bitter.  And you know what, I’m going to fly in the face of 90% of the world and conventional wisdom and say it’s OK to be a little bitter sometimes.  If you loved and devoted yourself to someone, threw all of your effort and energy into making them happy, thought you were happy, they told you they could never leave you, would be an idiot to leave you… and then you found out it was all a sham, they had been cheating on you and completely negating everything they had ever said, every promise you had ever made to each other?  You know what?  It’s natural and OK to be bitter with that person.  It’s natural and a protection to dislike and mistrust them. Now, you shouldn’t let that bitterness monopolize your life, and you definitely shouldn’t take that mistrust and apply it to all future romantic interests, because that’s unfair.  I trust each and every man that I date until he gives me a reason not to.  That’s only right and fair, that I shouldn’t impose past disappointments on new relationships.  But yes, I am a tad bitter about being cheated on by someone who claimed they didn’t have it in them.  I am wary around actors because my experience dating two of them was so similar.

So, Steven Lords, if you ever stumble across this blog and recognize me… you’re a dirty welcher.  Oh, and if you google phoenixforged47 (your e-mail address) you show up as a member on Actual Incest porn forums.  I’m just saying.  You might want to look into some therapy for that.  That’s a pretty unhealthy fixation and it makes me look back at things in a whole new light.  I mean, that’s really, really sick, actually.  Yuck.

I really should thank Steve, though.  I mean, when it comes down to it, he cleared out of my life and opened up the way for the best possible thing that ever could have happened to me, the love of my life, a real honest-to-god good and upstanding man, the man whom I adore and treasure.  And no, I can’t talk about it any more than that.  Not just yet.  I wish I could, believe me, I’ve been bursting at the seams to for ages, but very soon, I promise.  Sorry to leave you guys dangling.

Category: Homeless Tales, Matt, attitude, confidence, entertainment, interviews, job searching and work, love, media, mental health, mind, news, talents, theatre |  10 Comments
Job Searching and the Almighty Dollar
Monday, March 02nd, 2009 | Author: ~B~
It’s raining today. God, I love the rain. You don’t see it much in Orange County.

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Quick note: Please check out Homeless Tales, the brainchild of Matt Barnes from the UK. I spent several hours last night browsing through the stories that compile his Street Voices Project, and I was fascinated by the work of the various contributers. Matt and his writers are doing their utmost to raise awareness of this social issue, and to put faces to the various homeless out there, no matter their circumstances. I have a huge amount of respect for their work and send out my kudos to them. If you haven’t already been, please check out Homeless Tales!

* * * * *

Once your most basic needs (shelter, food, and water) have been met, your mind will naturally turn to money – the most important long-term solution to get you out of this.

I mentioned before, I’m not a fan of panhandling. Many homeless people out there are mentally ill/addicts and feel this is their only recourse. I am not judging those individuals. They are humans as well and deserving of compassion and assistance – medical and rehabilitory assistance in addition to food and shelter. However, I have always worked and I am fully capable of continuing to work. I will not panhandle or beg for money. There are many less fortunate homeless people who do not have the advantages I have, who cannot/do not know how to care for themselves, and who need those contributions more than I do. If you are homeless and reading this blog, that means you have figured out how to access a computer – so chances are pretty high that you are self-reliant and have at least some rudimentary skills that qualify you to find yourself money without panhandling.

First of all, sell any assets that you will not need or that do not have irreplaceable sentimental value (i.e., your grandmother’s wedding ring). If you have a laptop and phone and vehicle, obviously those are things that will come in useful to you. Items like furniture, decor, TV, stereo, etc. are not necessary and can be easily replaced once you are back on your feet. Only you can decide what you are willing to give up, but you will find that material belongings count for very little when you need to buy food and gasoline, or come up with enough money to put down a rental deposit so you can get off of the street. I have built up a collection of fine vintage clothing for several years – guess what’s happening to that? I’m eBaying it off, piece by piece.

As an immediate/temporary solution, you may be able to apply for Unemployment Insurance (UI), State Disability Insurance (SDI), Social Security Disability, Supplemental Security Income (SSI), State Supplementary Payments (SSP) or welfare/food stamps. This guy I mentioned in a previous post has listed the various ins and outs of applying for these programs, including various rules and loopholes. There’s nothing I can say here on those topics that he hasn’t already, so visit his site and review your available options.

If you are not disabled in any way and are physically and mentally capable of working – find a job. Yes, the economy is in the toilet right now. Salaries have been slashed by about 20% on average. But there are jobs out there, even if competition is stiff for some of the higher-paying ones. If you are educated and formerly held a prestigious position – get over it. You may not be able to find something comparable to your last job right now. You may need to wait for the economy to right itself. Do not be too proud to take a lower-paying or less glamorous job in the interim. I did very well for myself in my former life and got every single job I ever interviewed for, but guess what? Right now I’m homeless, and although I have sent out hundreds of applications, the fish aren’t biting. This means that I need to be willing to take anything that comes along (unless it pays less than my UI, in which case I would be shooting myself in the foot – you can’t file for UI and work at the same time).

If you can find under-the-table work here and there, that is awesome. You are paid in cash and there is no record going to the IRS, so they can’t tax you. This means that you can collect some supplemental income and still file for UI, if that is applicable to your situation. Many small business owners will pay under-the-table.

Search on Craigslist.org, Monster.com, CareerBuilder.com, and any other job board you can find. If you have a professional-looking photo of yourself in business attire, attach it to every cover letter you e-mail out. Try to stand out from the sea of nameless, faceless applicants. Distinguish yourself. When hiring managers can put a face to the name, they are more likely to think of you as a person, and remember you when it comes down to weeding through the candidates and deciding who to bring in for interviews.

If you have never had a job, or are super-young and have no previous job experience, search for “entry-level” jobs. These are jobs that require no formal training. Apply at grocery stores, restaurants, retail chains; hell, apply to be the person in the oversized chicken suit outside of Chick-Fil-A! Apply to be the person in the Chuck-E suit at Chuck-E-Cheese. For many of these jobs, you don’t have to apply online – walk right into an establishment and ask to speak to the manager. You may have the front desk person/receptionist/hostess ask you what this is regarding. Don’t tell them up front that it’s regarding applying for a job, they’ll just try to re-route you, or hand you an application to fill out. You want the manager to actually meet you so that you get a chance to make an impression. If they tell you the manager is not available and try to hand you an application to get rid of you, ask to make an appointment to speak to the manager directly. Make sure that every time you visit the establishment, you are clean and well-dressed. Make sure your interview suit/dress is modest, in fashion, and unwrinkled. Do whatever you have to, just find a job and save as much of each paycheck as you can.

At no point during a job search should you tell anyone that you are homeless. It may be tempting to milk your circumstances for sympathy, but DON’T. It will rarely work. The vast majority of society has built-in prejudices against the homeless. If you look like a bum, people will treat you like a bum. If you don’t look like you a bum, are well-dressed/qualified/articulate, but tell people you are homeless, they are still likely to treat you like a bum. Do not appeal to your interviewer in this manner. Never appear desperate. Project confidence and prepare for every interview hours or even days in advance. Find the company’s website and read up on their mission statement, their philosophy, their history, and then drop nuggets of that into your responses to interview questions, so that hiring managers will know you have done your research on the company, will fit in well, and really want to work there.

That is the most important thing in an interview – you may be the most qualified person on the planet, but if you aren’t particularly interested in the job or the company, they will hire someone less qualified who is. This may be a job you are just taking until you can get something better when the economy improves, but they don’t need to know that. As far as an interviewer is concerned, this is your dream job and you will stay here until retirement, OK? You can always change your mind after you get the job and something better comes along. That is not illegal. But you need something right now, so stretch the truth if you must. Lie a little and say that you see yourself working your way up from a cashier at McDonalds to management at their corporate office. Stress your loyalty to your employer. This doesn’t mean you have to stay there forever. You just need a job right now, do whatever you must to get it.

While job searching, look for other means to come up with extra money. You can sell belongings, as I’ve already noted. Or take a particular talent and start an e-business with it. I run a modest resumé-writing business on the side populated with friends and clients who have no idea that I am homeless. Set yourself up a webpage at Starbucks or the public library, and put your talents to good use. Promote yourself on Craigslist, Twitter, MySpace, or any one of hundreds of online resources. Invest in some cheap flyers and post them on college boards, community boards, Starbucks boards, anywhere you can. Market yourself.

Look into mystery shopping, or marketing companies who will pay you to stand around and promote their products. I did this a couple of years ago for extra cash on the side. I was one of those people who stood behind a table at Costco and handed out free samples on the weekends. You can laugh, but do you know how much I made doing that? $25/hour.

If you are a female in your 20s and you have no moral objection, you may want to look into donating your eggs (a lot of college students do it). You don’t need to be a supermodel astrophysicist to do this (I certainly can’t claim to be one, I’m just a spunky, cute-ish kid with a good head on her shoulders and a fair amount of common sense)! Many prospective parents out there are just looking for a donor who is physically reminiscent of them, and isn’t a carrier for any major diseases or disabilities. I went to check out this opportunity today. I found an agency who is putting me in their database; if I am chosen as a donor, my first-time fee will be $5,500, plus all medical expenses. Keep in mind, if you pursue this option, it pays well for a reason. Sperm donors only get about $75 a pop because their donation process is quick, easy, painless, and pleasurable. For women, you EARN that money. It is a roughly 2-month long process involving self-injected hormones, monitoring appointments, psychological evaluations, and possible side effects. Take all of this into consideration before you make the decision. Personally, I have found that people have the remarkable ability to do things that they never thought they’d be able to do in dire circumstances. I never thought that I’d be able to ransack through a blood-and-brain-splattered suicide scene either, but I ended up having to do just that when my biological father shot himself in January, because my other family members were too queasy to do it, and someone had to. Take a hard look at yourself and decide what you are willing/able to do and where you draw your boundaries, and then stick to them.

There are opportunities to earn money honestly if you search for them. So many people out there are throwing their hands up in the air and blaming the sucky economy for not being able to find work. Don’t be proud. Do what you must. Consider every alternative. You’re homeless and jobless, do you really have anything better to do? Your job is to find a job.

Category: Costco, Homeless Tales, Street Voices, attitude, confidence, egg donation, finances and money, interviews, job searching and work, online resources, panhandling and begging, resources, talents |  2 Comments