My gawd.  Seriously, it is so fantastic to have ex-JW moles and spies to pass on news to me about my family.

Oh, Brittany.  Brittany, Brittany, Brittany.  Although you may not believe it, I love you so.  Truly.  Yet, your hypocritical, opportunistic, haughty, Pharisaical, smugly superior ramblings never fail to brighten my life and provide the highlight of my day.

Yes, Brittany and Mom, I know you still check up on me via the blog, as well as watching my TV appearances and devouring news articles about me.  Which is flattering, really, but must I remind you that this is an “apostate” website, via your own terminology?  Don’t you know that someone could report Brittany Karp and Tina Karp to your “elders” at the Los Alamitos, CA and Flagstaff, AZ congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses and they could hold a “judicial committee” (kangaroo court) to wield their self-imposed, non-existent power over you and “disfellowship” you for repeatedly disobeying “Society” edicts against apostate material?

But enough of the silliness.  The real news here is that my sister and mother, having skimmed the recent post about my New Year’s exploits, have apparently “read between the lines” and decided that I am clearly involved in…

*pause for dramatic effect*

“substance abuse!!!” (**omgwtfSATANISM!!!!!**)

……………

o.O

……..BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, a couple years ago, something like this still would have stung, but now I’m able to find it absolutely hilarious.

You see, Jehovah’s Witnesses desperately need to believe that “apostates” like myself are suffering.  That the “world” outside the safe, comforting haven of the bOrg will shred them to bits and spit them out.  That they will “reap what they sow”, if you will.

The most likely explanation for me spending a night in a snowy climate?  Probably that I went to Scotland to surprise Matt for the holidays, and that, backfiring on my brilliant plan, he simply wasn’t home on New Year’s Eve… so I went to stay at the local train station awaiting his return.  And, in fact, that’s the truth of it.

Never mind, though, that subzero temperatures cause hypothermia (which I’ve already mentioned that I had caught), which in turn causes hallucination and eventual passing out.  No, clearly I’m too far down Satan’s road, and my hallucinations and passing out were caused by *gasp* ACID!!!!!  And that’s not even the least of my problems.  In fact, when I’m not toking up or imbibing cocaine like candy, I’m conjuring up demons on my very own Ouija board… nothing like a little late-night demonic possession to spice up my life before ARMAGEDDON dooms me forever and the crows pick out my rotting eyeballs.

…In reality, I’ve never taken a drug in my life, unless you count Tylenol.  And the occasional sip of Smirnoff, but hey, my mom’s been giving me that since I was about 14 (go JWs and their overwhelmingly prevalent abuse of the one Biblically sanctioned drug, especially by repressed Witness housewives!  It’s just like the ’50s all over again! Hooray!)

Meanwhile, as far as alcohol goes, I can count exactly twice in my life I’ve been even mildly drunk, and that was more of a social thing, because here’s a little secret:  alcohol, and anything else mind-altering, just doesn’t really do it for me.  I’ve always been much happier without needing to resort to anything that changes or dulls my perception or personality.  I (shocking spoiler alert ahead!) like who I am and don’t feel any need to forget that.

“Oh, yeah, right!” the JWs sniff.  ”That’s just what a disgusting, God-defying, little drug addict WOULD say!”

…Er, sure?  But seriously, no.  Never done drugs.  For all my faults, I was never interested.

Premarital sex?  Oh, hell, yeah.  Absolutely.  Not sorry, either.  Guilty as charged.  Go ahead and smite me, Jehovah, and I’ll go down with a smile on my face – because it felt FANTASTIC.

But drugs, nope.

Overall, it doesn’t matter though, does it?  It is important for a Jehovah’s Witness to *know* the horrors that inevitably befall those eeeeeeeevil apostates.  Because that’s how the Watchtower Society keeps the rank-and-file in line.  This could happen to you.  Satan could overtake you easily, without you even realizing it, and then you’ll become one of THEM, will have committed the one unpardonable sin of LEAVING.  Surely a specially torturous death awaits the apostates who have knowingly declared war upon God. It’s the JW equivalent of the boogeyman.

Actual JW literature artwork of apostates destroyed at Armageddon. I like to think that I'm the one holding her innocent daughter, who will doubtless be destroyed as well by the "fair and just" god Jehovah. Along with random cats, apparently.

The truth is that lately my life is, with the odd exception, pretty mundane and pleasant about 98% of the time.  I don’t practice “demonism” (see, that would require me to actually believe in demons or in Satan, or in any kind of spirit realm whatsoever, which I don’t), I don’t do drugs, and I practice monogamy in a loving relationship.  I haven’t the slightest interest in declaring “war” on a God that I don’t believe in, although I sure wouldn’t mind seeing the Governing Body™ of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, the puppet masters if you will, crumble (they’re the ones I dislike, not the regular rank-and-file who, for the most part, are regular people simply believing what they’re told… not the brightest bunch, and usually blind to their own hypocrisy and doctrine/reasoning flaws, but for the most part friendly, amiable people).  But it’s not something I’m going out of my way to care about one way or the other.  I just want to live my life happily and be a good person.

But none of that will stop a dedicated Jehovah’s Witness from recoiling at the sight of me, once they know I’m an “apostate”.

Never going to happen. Boooooo.

You see, “apostates” are even worse than someone who is “disfellowshipped”, or excommunicated, from the Jehovah’s Witness cult.  An “apostate” is somebody who “had the Truth™ and turned away from Jehovah anyway”.  ”Apostates” ostensibly *know* that Jehovah is “the One True God™” and is going to destroy the wicked at ARMAGEDDON, and that only the Jehovah’s Witnesses will be left to frolic in a beautiful paradise earth with pandas and lions (and, I hoped as a child, gorillas and killer whales…because they’re awesome!)

So, “apostates” randomly decide that even though they *know* the Truth™, they are going to join Satan and smear Jehovah’s name with lies, etc. etc.  Why exactly do they do this?  Because they’re possessed by the Devil, apparently.  Possessed and scary and liars.  How do the JWs know that they’re lying, if they refuse to listen to anything they have to say?  Because the Watchtower Society tells them so.

More JW artwork of "God's Glorious Day of Judgment"

Er, riiiiight.

I stopped counting the number of times I was told, as an angsty kid in my teens/early 20s… “but you *knoooooow* it’s the Truth™!!!!!”

Eventually, I stopped saying “yes, I know” and would only sit there silently, allowing the speaker to infer that I agreed with them.  Because you know what?  I didn’t know that.  I haven’t known that for a long time.  In fact, I’ve become increasingly positive that it’s not the Truth™, and once I figured out that the Paradise earth where I could have a pet orca was complete B.S., it was pretty pointless to continue the charade.  I’m happy no longer wasting my life on it.

More JW armageddon porn. Note the child holding her doll and the puppy plummeting into the abyss. Apparently, they too are dangerous apostates (a"pup"states?) that Jehovah must destroy, in order to cleanse the Earth of all wickedness.

You’ll never find a Witness out there that believes that, though, or at least not one that will admit it to themselves.  Jehovah’s Witnesses are masters of hearing and believing only what they want to, only what they’re told to.  ”Independent thought” is considered a Satanic trait, clearly stated as such (and often) in Watchtower literature.  Jehovah’s Witnesses are counselled to be like meek (read: dumb) sheep – following exactly where they are led without really knowing why.

To tell you the truth, I’m not really sure whether my family keeps checking up on me because there’s still a sliver of them that loves me (although they are counselled by the Watchtower Society to “abhor” and “loathe” me for my “wickedness”), or because they’re hoping for the entertainment value of what they consider to be an inevitable trainwreck. Although, I think back on all of the times that my mother called me “Satan’s daughter” or told me, as she was beating me, that I should be grateful I wasn’t an ancient Hebrew because “then the Bible would have allowed me to stone you to death”… and I suspect it’s the latter. Again; used to be painful, now just hilarious to me.  They say that living well is the best revenge.  If I were interested in revenge (I’m not), I suppose I could say that I’ve achieved it.

* * * * *

But yeah, the overall point is that in their eyes, I am a deeply unhappy person bent on an irreversible path of self-destruction.  I still *know* that the Jehovah’s Witnesses have the One True Religion™, and any statements to the contrary are merely “lies”.  I *know* that Jehovah is going to destroy me, so I have taken up a personal attack against him, along with my “father” Satan.

So of course, in the great leap of logical fallacy that defines JW thinking, this also means that I am on drugs.  Because I’m unequivocally stating that I’ve never done drugs… and everybody knows that apostates only speak outright lies.

Yours in sisterly agape love, Sister Shiny Happy Friendly Neighborhood Apostate (and her demonic alter ego, Sasha HellaFierce)