I know, I know, I’m sorry, but I can’t resist.  I swear in the morning I’ll go back to trying really hard to stay humble.  But tonight, two things:

First of all, BBC News blog Magazine Monitor has posted about Matt’s article this evening.  I found out when I checked my site analytics and suddenly there was a rush of people referred from the BBC website.  They’ve linked to my latest posting, “Bittersweet”.  Awwwww. *blushes*  I headed over there and found the blurb:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/magazinemonitor/2009/06/web_monitor_30.shtml.

Needless to say, my reaction went something like this:

O.o

Matt LOVES the BBC.  In fact, much of his visit here was spent lamenting that American news stations don’t cover as much international news and topics as the BBC.  I think a little part of him died every time he saw a major news channel run something along the vein of Twiggy the Water-Skiing Squirrel when he was thirsting for more information on Iran, North Korea, Pakistan, etc.  So I just know he’ll get a huge kick out of this.  I’m frantically trying to text him awake and tell him, but I suspect his phone is off.  Still, it’s almost 8:30 a.m. in Scotland, so I imagine he’ll be up soon enough, and will get my messages.  Graaaaah, wake uuuuuuuup, Matt!!!!! 

Secondly… I just found out that I am the #3 search result on Google for the search term “homelessness”.  I freaked right out, let me tell you.  I’m right after the Wikipedia entry and the HUD (U.S. government department of housing).  I also discovered this indirectly through my analytics.

…When the hell did this happen?!  Oh my god.  Ohmigodohmigodohmigod.

OK, I’m done patting myself on the back for now.  Sorry.  Just got super excited.  Now if Matt will just wake up already so I can tell him!

Matt is on a plane to Scotland as I type.  He needed to return home for about two weeks to sort some things out, and will be returning after that for a three-month visit (90 days is the longest he is allowed to stay in the U.S. at a stretch, per the visa waiver program currently in place between our respective countries).

I had a nice little breakdown at the airport.  Tried very hard not to cry, and failed miserably – burst out into huge, jagged, red-faced sobs (and Matt was quite a bit moist as well, which I found oddly reassuring).  I think we may have annoyed some innocent bystanders.  Our goodbyes were quite prolonged and punctuated by lots of kisses, hugs, sniffles, caresses, longing gazes, and other similar things that make strangers barf and wish that you would move the hell out of their way so they can get through the security checkpoint to the metal detectors, already.  I finally watched him head up the escalator towards the boarding area, until I lost sight of him.  He turned around many times to catch my eye and wave.  I know he misses and loves me just as much as I do him.  That is something completely new.  I am grateful for it.

Now I’m back at the motel where I will be spending the next few nights (I check out Friday morning and need to return to the trailer at Wal-Mart), and I’m trying to keep myself occupied with random things like surfing the Internet, catching up on “So You Think You Can Dance”, making dinner (ramen noodles), reading books – anything to keep my mind off the gaping hole in my life.  But nothing is working.  You see, it was hard enough being without Matt before he ever actually came out here.  I wanted to be around him in the worst way.  But now that he has been here, it’s about a million times worse.  I’m not only longing for something I’ve never had, I’m now missing something that has been here, filled my life, and is now absent.  It’s a very slight, intangible difference, but it’s there.

The passenger seat of my car feels empty.  My hand feels empty without his to hold.  The bed in the motel feels empty without him to cuddle with.  Everything feels kind of sepia-coloured and there’s a weight on my chest.  Occasionally I think I’m all cried out, but something like a half-finished carton of grape juice or a bag of Doritos he left behind will start me off again.  My pillow smells like him.  There’s still sand on the floor that we tracked in from our day at Newport Beach this weekend (he wanted to see the Pacific Ocean).  Perhaps I’ll feel a little better once I know his flight has landed and he’s arrived safely.  But even then, I know I can’t be completely top-notch again until he’s here with me, and we’re wrapping up all the loose ends to ensure that we won’t have to be parted again.

* * * * *

The “sweet” part of my bittersweet day came after leaving the airport.  I stopped by the post office to check my P.O. box.  Inside – oh, happy day! – sat 6 EDD claim forms.  That’s right, after months of waiting, phone calls, e-mails, and stressing…  I have received the paperwork to file for 12 weeks’ worth of retroactive UI benefits.  I mail them out tomorrow; the resulting checks are *supposed* to be returned to me within 10 business days, which means that soon I could be brandishing $5,700 (normally would be $5,400 but a stimulus program in place provides me an extra $25 per week, which sounds small, but obviously adds up over time).

So… woohoooooooooo!!!!!!  I have to be very careful with the money – hoard it up and get a mortgage all straightened out.  This is a huge step towards Matt and I buying our own home (which is good, since a place I was in love with was just sold to another interested party… I’m awfully torn up about it; I hope I don’t have to experience that kind of disappointment again).  I just have to scrimp and save and not blow it.  I am staying in the trailer for the weeks that Matt is in Scotland; once he returns, we are probably going to stay in a rented motorhome for $450/month.  It will be on the same property Fezzik is being boarded at, so we will be able to be with him full-time, and Matt can take him out for long walks every day and bond with his new dog.  The motorhome will also be hooked up with electricity and water, and we may even have cable TV and internet access included, which is obviously a vast improvement over Wal-Mart, and no facilities/utilities.  The downside is that the ranch is in Norco/Riverside area, so it will be a long drive to work and back for me.  With gas prices on the rise, that obviously isn’t super great.  Still, $450 is so little per month, we should save enough to more than make up for the fuel costs.

Once we are esconced on the ranch, I would like to look into selling the trailer, and into settling with Wachovia and selling my car as well.  That way, I can use the truck that I inherited from Bill, which is currently towing the trailer (and which is completely paid off).  Gas mileage is worse on the truck than on my car, but again, there’s the issue of not having to make any more car payments to Wachovia the crooks.

I think things are finally looking up for us.  I was a bit down this weekend because one of the tires on my car had a blowout, and I had to invest a lot of money in a new one that I hadn’t planned on spending – goodbye, paycheck!  But then my claim forms finally arrived, and it’s a huge weight off my mind.  Now, as long as my baby makes it home in one piece (and also returns to me safely in two weeks) I think things will be well on their way to perfect, or as perfect as imperfect, unpredictable life could ever possibly be for two crazy kids madly in love with one another.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31381205/ns/politics-washington_post/

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31001101/ns/travel-news/

News like this makes me think maybe I’m on a sinking ship and should get the hell out of here before it gets worse… Mind you, there are always “crisis” scares just before everything seems to right itself and sail straight, but something tells me perhaps they’re serious when they’re saying the state government is 50 days away from a complete and total meltdown… what does that mean, anyway?  It doesn’t sound good, that’s for sure.  I’m starting to think perhaps we’ll all go bankrupt and I’ll never get my retroactive EDD benefits after all.  Ever.

Well… fuck.

*hurriedly looks up homes in upstate NY*

OK, so it’s update day.

First of all – woot, Matt made front page of Digg a few days ago!  So if you found me indirectly through his article, welcome!  We are both so appreciative for the outpouring of support and congratulations we’ve received from so many!  We have received a couple of offers of donations – honestly, for now we’re doing OK; there have been minor financial/food struggles occasionally, but on the whole we’re managing.  If you absolutely feel like you wish to make some sort of donation or contribution, please do so at HomelessTales.com – there is a “Donate” button in the right column of the front page that enables Matt to keep the site up and running, or you can PayPal him directly at mdbarnes@hotmail.co.uk.

It looks like we have another reprieve for Fezzik, thanks to Karma Rescue in Los Angeles.  I originally adopted Fez from Karma, and when things got too tight to afford his board with Sage (my hours and pay at work were recently cut), I tearfully contacted them to find out about re-adopting him out.  Well, it turns out that Karma would love to see us kept together, so they have super-duper-generously offered to pay his board for three months.  I can’t tell you how amazingly awesome that is – Matt and I are struggling to move him out here and buy a home together, and we had envisioned our life as a family with Fezzik as our dog, sleeping in our room, loving and protecting our children, etc.  It was so difficult to send that e-mail to Karma Rescue, and neither of us expected such an accommodating and generous response.  Our effusive thanks to Rande and Cassian of Karma, and to Barbara DeSantis, Fezzik’s former foster mom (as an aside, her husband is director Larry Charles, who directed Religulous, which is a really interesting and thought-provoking documentary about religion – how awesome is that?!)  If you are looking for a dog, or dogs are close to your heart, please support and/or adopt through them.  You can find their list of adoptable pets here.  I have nothing but good things to say about them; they care so much about each and every animal that they place, and were on hand every time I had a question or needed help regarding Fezzik or his training.  I recommend them so, so highly.

Matt’s next visit to Cali is in early July, and he will be staying through October.  We seem to have found a low-cost rent option for that time period (we have stayed in the trailer for a few days since we ran out of motel funds, and let me tell you, that thing was not meant for two people!) so that’s helpful.   As a plus, we will also have access to utilities/facilities which will mean no more driving 8 miles to shower at the gym, or walking to the Arco gas station at 3 a.m. to use the restroom!  Yay!  Matt flies back home one week from today (*sniffle*) so for the couple of weeks that he is in Scotland I will stay in the trailer and accummulate/hoard funds for fun things – such as a house and a low-budget, very DIY wedding 

California’s 90-day foreclosure moratorium started today, blegh.  Unless I am misunderstanding something, this means that the possibility of purchasing the house I was pining over is now pretty much kaput, or at least on hiatus for the next 3 months or more (it was a short sale), so I may need to just look at other options…  Matt and I are scoping out a few other places and are working on raising the necessary funds, which is around $10K-$15K.  Still waiting on my back EDD claim forms – FINALLY got through to EDD via phone (not just e-mail) last week and was assured that THIS time, they are REALLY sending out all my claim forms (I remain skeptical, yet hopeful).  With that money, we would have a good head start towards the money we need to buy our own home.

We are also working towards setting up an online business for me, to sell my vintage clothing on.  I just have way, waaaaay too much of it, and while I’ve done a decent job selling off some pieces on eBay, I’m well aware that I have a good eye for it, and a drive to do a lot more with it than I have, and make quite a decent profit.  Combined with Matt’s knowledge of the interwebz, I think we can go a long ways more towards helping ourselves out financially.  Still hoping not to have to sell Ingrid, but I would like to sell the trailer once Matt and I are more settled elsewhere.  It was to eventually go to my sister in AZ, but alas, no longer, so it’s mine to do as I please with (woot!)  I would also like to eventually sell my car and just use the (paid-off) truck I inherited (which is currently towing the trailer), but evil Wachovia is making that sooooo difficult.  I’ve contemplated joining one of the several pending class-action lawsuits against them; I wonder if it’s worth the hassle.  From what I’ve read, thousands of other consumers have been ripped off by them, car-loan-wise.  What a bunch of crooks.  The dealer I bought the car through chose them to finance me; I wish I’d known better at the time than to go ahead with the purchase, but it was my first car loan, so oh well.  Life happens, and you take lessons from it, I guess.

So yep yep, if you asked a question in the previous comments, I hope this post answers it, and thanks again sooooooo much to everyone with kind words and support.  I’m so happy and it just goes to show that great things can come out of even the most shite situations.  I will continue to dig my way out of homelessness, and I fully realize how lucky I am to have so many awesome people cheering me on.

Love,

~Bri 

http://homelesstales.com/2009/06/twitters-transatlantic-homeless-love-match/

Awwwwww.  How loved do I feel right now?  What a sweet man I have!  OK.  Mush-fest over, for a bit.  No, really!  I swear!!!!! 

Yes, I have been incredibly delinquent in updating.  I’m sorry!!!!!  I hope nobody worried too much!

The thing is, life has been somewhat action-packed for the past few weeks… I’m madly, head-over-heels, crazy-in-love; every cliché in the book I suppose, but it’s all true so I suppose it’s cliché for a reason.  My boyfriend/future hubby, it turns out, is none other than Matt Barnes (aka w0lfh0und) of www.homelesstales.com, whom I have referenced in past blogs.  What I was keeping under the radar (for the time being), was our burgeoning romance, which came somewhat out of left field and gobsmacked us both.

I suppose the whole thing really started when my friend “Dwight” suggested that I promote tGGtH on Twitter.  I had vaguely heard of this Twitter thing, and I’m not gonna lie… I thought it sounded kinda inane.  I didn’t really “get” it at the time.  But he assured me that it’s a great place to promote new blogs, etc. so I figured… what the hell.

The aspect of this whole scenario that I continually find the most romantic is that Matt was the first to “find” me, and in a way, he saved me… or at least helped me to save myself.  Matt monitors keywords on Twitter, among them those pertaining to homelessness.  Within an hour of my first Twitter post, he had skimmed my blog and added me – my first follower.  He liked my writing, and invited me to post on Street Voices.  Happy for the additional cathartic outlet to while away the time while I searched for job and home, I accepted.  The two of us also struck up a seemingly platonic e-mail correspondence, and I found myself checking my inbox several times a day hoping for a new message.  Eventually, this led to IM-ing, and at some point I suppose we both just figured it out.  It was one of those revelatory “a-ha!” moments that you hear about but never quite imagine happening to you.

From the start, I found Matt to be highly intelligent, noble, devoted to his cause, adorable, funny, sweet, caring, nurturing… everything I had ever dared to dream of in a man and in a partner.  However, despite the instant crush I developed on him (which I desperately attempted to hide), it never occurred to me that there might be anything that could come of it.  For starters, I had promised myself not to get involved with any men for a while after my last godawful breakup, and especially not while homeless – what business did I have starting a relationship while I couldn’t even boast a job and a home?  Secondly, Matt lives in the U.K. – England-born, living in Scotland following his own bout with homelessness.  Little did I know that Matt had an insta-crush of his own.  For a couple of weeks we weaved awkwardly around it, each of us occasionally dropping the slightest of flirtations, then quickly backing off, feeling like any idea of reciprocation could only exist in our minds.  To an extent, we were both terrified of making fools of ourselves, and that our feelings were misguided and unrequited.

However, once we started hitting the 10-hour conversation mark (daily), the reality of the situation became difficult to ignore.  Things finally clicked and we realized and admitted how mutual it all was, and the depth of what we had discovered in each other.  And now, after a couple months of that…

here we are.

Matt is in California with me at the moment.  He came out just over 2 weeks ago, May 20th.  The hour waiting at the LAX international arrivals terminal  (his flight was delayed) was the most agonizing hour of my life.  Panic set in – would things be completely different in real life?  Could e-mail/IM /phone conversations possibly measure up to the real thing?  Would it all crumble the moment we saw each other?  True, we had photos (and in his case, video footage) to go off of, but would it change in person?  Without going into too much detail (some things are better left private and sacred and beautiful) I am happy to say that the moment I saw him, I knew that the love I had felt for him online was in no way diminished, but could only increase a thousandfold.

For now, we have pooled our resources and are staying in a tiny motor lodge; however, we may need to go back to the trailer for a week-ish until I am paid again.  Things are a bit tight for me financially (my hours and pay were cut at work), and we are having trouble accessing some of Matt’s paychecks, which are generally mailed to his home.  He flies back to Scotland on June 22 for a couple of weeks, and will be returning to CA following that for a longer stay… hopefully 3 months, the maximum allowed on his visa waiver program.

There are plans in motion for Matt to stay in the U.S. with me permanently… relatively soon.  These are, of course, fluid at the moment.  Kinks need to be finagled and ironed out.  For instance, somewhere to live would be fantastic, haha.  We also need to deal with various legal issues and such.  International immigration, marriage, those kinds of things… are obviously not quick processes, especially in the United States (may I just say, red tape sucks).

But, the important things:  I am safe.  I am supremely happy, happier than I ever thought I could be.  I am happier homeless and living out of a trailer and a motel than I ever was housed, or trying to gain acceptance and approval from my whacked-up dysfunctional hell of a family.  I love Matt more than I knew it was possible for me to love anyone.  I can’t wait to build a future with this man, and prove my love to him daily, for the rest of our lives.  For the first time, someone has looked at me, seen me at my very best and my absolute lowest, and loved me anyway, and reminded me so over and over and over until it makes me want to cry; I am so happy and fulfilled.

I love unconditionally, and I am unconditionally loved.

It’s so fantastic and mind-blowingly awesome that I almost don’t know what to do with it.  Just writing about it is making me a little misty-eyed and my heart feels kind of weighted, like it’s going to throb open.  But it’s so, so super beautiful.